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Missing the Good Times with SAH

Author: JustMe

I’ve been doing well lately – at least in terms of feeling good.  I’ve gone to movies, hung out, keeping  myself busy.  But no matter what – I still miss the good times I had with SAH.  I need to remember the bad times too.  It’s easy to get down, wishing that we were still friends and all that.  But you know – I know that he calls up the phone sex lines while being married and even has a child on the way.  I keep telling myself – is this really the type of person that I want in my life.  How can someone get such a hold – that no matter what – you miss them. It just isn’t logical really.

It’s not like he’s going to change really. I went to go see Blind Side the other day with KP.  That was an awesome movie.  I know that SAH had seen it and loved it. I wonder if it reminded him of me.  You may be asking why.  Well you see, I’ve taken in people who were in a bad situation into my house.  Now I didn’t have the resources or anything to do what happened in the movie, I guess I did what very few people would do.  SAH knows about this.  See the first time was when I was managing my mother’s store after she died.   A person, I think he was 18, kept coming into the store.  The one day we talked and he hadn’t eaten in days, he had no money and no place to stay.  I told him to come back at closing time and i would figure something out.  Well at closing time he came and i decided I would let him spend the night, get a shower and then I could take him to the shelter for help the next day like he said he wanted.  In addition I also ended up getting him a change of clothes too – so we went to the store and got underwear,  jeans and a shirt.

There was another episode a couple of years ago that I did something similar.  SAH always said that he didn’t know if he has what it took to do this.  Anymore though – I wonder if SAH has it in him to care about anyone or to just do something out of pure kindness without expecting anything in return.

I know I’m a good person.  I know I’m smart.  So why do I let the assholes bother me?  Why do I wish SAH was back in my life? I really miss the good times. Did we really have good times though.

To be honest, I try to put things in perceptive.  SAH andI were very close friends, at least from my viewpoint – whether it was mutual or not.  But then I think about what people who actually marry someone like this must go through.  How hard is it for them?  I have other friends that I enjoy doing things with.  Like I said  I’ve gone to the movies this week  actually a number of times.  I saw Brothers, Blind Side and Avatar.  I went over to KQ’s house. She just got a puppy.  We went out to eat several times.  So how can I have people in my life and still feel alone?

December 21st, 2009  |  Posted in Diary, Thoughts  |  No Comments »

SAH and TL are Having a Baby

Author: JustMe

Yup, you heard that right,  SAH and TL are having a baby, which is due in July. This is so ridiculous.  They only just got married, they live with her parents, they both work at a convenience store, she just started to take online classes to be a paralegal.  Thye had no money for their huge wedding I was disinvited from, how the hell are they going to have any money to raise a child.  Anyway, what I had told SAH when he asked my thoughts on him proposing to TL is coming true – wait until you have your life in order and you are financially stable. The two main causes of divorce surprisingly is children and finances. I was surprised when I saw that having children is a big cause of divorce, although it is probably having children when you aren’t ready, more than just the act of having children that is the problem.

Oh – and don’t think that he is in love with TL.  I know that in November he was calling the sex lines again.  The way I know I won’t say, but I saw it with my own eyes.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he is still looking for craiglist girls.

I wonder how long it will be before he breaks from the stress he will have. He will have $12,000 in student loans, he expects to be making about 30,000 – 60,000 as a medical assistant, but form what everyone has told me in the field it will only be about $11/hour (only $2 more than what he makes pumping gas). People in the medical field have told me that medical assistants are a dime a dozen and is not a very secure job.

Anyway, I hope his life completely falls apart.  I hope he gets what he deserves for all the shit he has done to me and to others.

December 13th, 2009  |  Posted in Diary  |  No Comments »

Depression Sucks

Author: JustMe

Although at this moment, as I write this, I am not depressed, I understand how depression feels – and it SUCKS! You lose all sense of energy, not wanting to get out of bed, laying on the couch all day, over eating or not eating.  I think a lot of times it’s worse in the morning.  I’ll be sleeping, having dreams and then I wake up.  All I want to do is go back to sleep to re-enter my fantasy world of dreams.  In dreams everything is perfect and you can be anything you want.  It’s the escape from reality. In dreams, there are no financial problems, no relationship problems, you can even fly if you want to.

One thing about depression is that it is very difficult to get motivated.  It takes so much effort to even do the simplest things.  For instance, you know you have to go to the store to get food, but you don’t want to take a shower, you don’t want to get dressed, all you want to do is lay in bed or the couch and go back to sleep. It takes so much effort to even do the simplest tasks.

The thing is, you need to fight it.  You need to get out of that bed.  You need to get that report done.  One thing I find very difficult it concentrating.  My work involves a lot of mental activity and concentration- and more often then not I have to be honest, i get side tracked when I am depressed.  The thing is though, when I do accomplish something -  I actually feel good and for that short amount of time, I am not depressed. but then it seems like i can’t keep that feeling sustained for very long.  I can’t keep the motivation.

Another thing is the fine line with being depressed and having friends.  When a person is suffering from depression they want to know they aren’t alone.  The problem is – you can be surrounded by people and you can still feel very alone. People that don’t suffer from clinical depression, more often then not, don’t understand.  They’re attitude is “just snap out of it”.  They don’t understand how much effort it takes.  That it’s not just a matter of being “down”.  They don’t want to hear about the problems day after day and often times, they will withdraw, which makes the depressed person feel worse and more alone.  The feeling of no one caring, no one to turn to sets in.

As I’ve said, being depressed sucks.

December 9th, 2009  |  Posted in Thoughts  |  No Comments »

Had Good Thanksgiving

Author: JustMe

I had a good thanksgiving. I ended up going to a friends house and spent it with her family. It was her family and then her parents-in-law, her mother, her brother and her cousin and uncle.  My family is spread throughout four states, so I really don’t get to see them much. It’s nice to have friends who “take you in” :)   I made the stuffing, although her husband made some too.  Of course she had enough food for an army.  She had almost one pie or cake per person.

I got down there on Thanksgiving, and after we ate we played Monopoly which I had brought down. At around midnight her husband, me and her son watched Star Trek.  Of course I didn’t end up falling asleep until like 4:00am. I had plans on Friday with another friend, so I couldn’t stay till Saturday. I did stay a bit longer talking to her mother and husband about what a nutcase SAH’s mother is and the episode with the wedding.  I wanted to tell them what happened with SAH – but I think I have determined that, although I can talk about it to some people, I feel pretty embarrassed by what happened between him and I.  I mean really – how could I have let him treat me like this for so long? Anyway, I didn’t get out of there until about noon time  Read the rest of this entry »

December 1st, 2009  |  Posted in Diary  |  No Comments »

The Sociopath Next Door

Author: JustMe

I got the book the other and am more than halfway through it – not that it’s a very big book or anything.  I keep going back and forth about the whole thing with SAH and his family and everything that has happened.

There are a lot of things I haven’t said about SAH’s past. Some of which I question if i should have really have trusted him as much I did, but hindsight is 20/20. For instance, when he was 17 and broke up with his gf – he confided  to me that she was accusing him of rape. Read the rest of this entry »

November 26th, 2009  |  Posted in Diary, Thoughts  |  No Comments »

I Have to Face it – SAH is a Sociopath

Author: JustMe

I know that the word sociopath has strong connotations associated with it.  I really am not throwing it around lightly, but I do feel I have to finally face it  – and get it through my head for my own sanity – SAH is a sociopath.  I had a friend who is a nurse in a psychiatric hospital tell me that she felt that he fit the sociopathic personality. After doing some research I have to agree. It’s still hard, because I still care about him and I wish it wasn’t this way – but it seems to be the case.  Supposedly there is no hope for a sociopath either.

Here are the traits that make up a sociopath… Read the rest of this entry »

November 23rd, 2009  |  Posted in Diary, Thoughts  |  No Comments »

Is This on the Verge of Cheating?

Author: JustMe

Well I kept talking about all this proof I have and I figured I would just finally provide a sample of what SAH was e-mailing to people.  Now you have to remember – he proposed to TL, the love of his life, January 29, 2008 – so all these e-mails are after that. This is just a very very small percentage of the actual number of e-mails he sent. I didn’t really forward a lot onto myself from his account.  For some reason – even after all the shit he did – I felt guilty about it. He sent many of these out from my place on my computer.  When I started questioning how he could say he was in love with TL and yet be trying to hook up with other girls – he stopped doing it from my place and started just sending them from his cell phone (around May 2009). The thing is – they still appeared in his e-mail account which I had access to. He actually sent out like 20 in one day in June 2009. Read the rest of this entry »

November 22nd, 2009  |  Posted in Diary, Thoughts  |  No Comments »

Anniversary of my Mother’s Death

Author: JustMe

Well today – November 21st, is the 18 year anniversary of my mother’ s death.  It’s something that I guess I will never fully get over.  My mother was one of the nicest people you could have met. She was kind to everyone.

My mother died at the age of 44 – very very suddenly from a catastrophic heart attack.  She was doing laundry one morning, getting ready to leave on a trip with my father that day.  She had deep chest pains, but then just thought it was gas or something, but then the pain got worse.  When my father went to take her to the hospital  she collapsed in the hallway. She was rushed to the hospital – where she was in a coma for 3 days. We later found out that she had died and been brought back several times in the ambulance – she had to be taken to a hospital an hour away for proper treatment.  On November 21st, after getting the brain scan results, we pulled the plug.  It was the hardest thing to ever do – but there were no brain waves and she couldn’t live without the machines.  The experience of seeing her like that I will never forget.

I miss being able to talk to her and her support.  Even today it is something very hard.  My mother never judged people and was nice to everyone.  She was truly a great person and was taken away way too soon.

I love you mom!

November 21st, 2009  |  Posted in Diary  |  No Comments »

SAH’s Response to PM About Him Not Being Invited to SAH’s Wedding

Author: JustMe

So as you may know from two posts ago – Refraining From Revenge…, a friend of SAH had sent him a message pissed about not being invited to his wedding and in the process referring to me as the “lunatic cousin” ( I have included PM’s initial message in this post as well so you don’t have to go back to read it)  Well SAH’s response was rather classic and EXACTLY what I told KP SAH would respond with.  First PM didn’t get an immediate response, so he sent SAH another message, this is the exchange – including misspellings and bad grammar (remember, SAH is studying to be a Medical Assistant – it’s one of the things that TL said he should do :rolleyes:) Read the rest of this entry »

November 19th, 2009  |  Posted in Diary  |  No Comments »

Do Good Guys Truly Finish Last? Are Assholes Always Happy?

Author: JustMe

LB seems to think that because SAH is happy now – that he will always be happy.  She claims that good guys always finish last and people like SAH are always happy. I actually disagree with this.  So what is it then about “good guys” finishing last?  Well I think it boils down to that good guys – by helping people – have more chances to set themselves up for being used.  Hell – if you only worry about yourself and really don’t care what happens to others, how hurt can you be.  That being said though, what about the asshole that only thinks about themselves – aren’t they happy?  Well the thing is – if you only care about yourself and what you can get out of a friendship or relationship, how closely can you really develop friendships?  If there is always an ulterior motive to your friendship – is it really a friendship or just a means to an end. Read the rest of this entry »

November 19th, 2009  |  Posted in Diary, Thoughts  |  No Comments »

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