The Sociopath Next Door
Author: JustMe
I got the book the other and am more than halfway through it – not that it’s a very big book or anything. I keep going back and forth about the whole thing with SAH and his family and everything that has happened.
There are a lot of things I haven’t said about SAH’s past. Some of which I question if i should have really have trusted him as much I did, but hindsight is 20/20. For instance, when he was 17 and broke up with his gf – he confided to me that she was accusing him of rape.
I think I will have to go over SAH’s past later. My mind is sort of all over the place right now. Trying to make sense of everything. I was made to feel like the psycho by his mother and TL. Which is rather ironic – because his mother tried to have a restraining order put against me for SAH because she claims I called him at his bachelor party after she asked me not to.
So anyway – right now I don’t know what is worse – if SAH is a sociopath – then that means we can never ever be friends again. He will never chnage – there is no sense of remorse, he has no way of caring for people. Of course – hell – he had a party at my place when I was in the hospital for attempted suicide. That should have shown me right there how much I meant to him. The other side is if he isn’t sociopath – then I was just truly a joke to him. I don’t know what is worse – sociopath who is incapable of caring or a non-sociopath who really just truly used me.
So some people may be wondering why bother – who cares. It’s over it’s done with – move on. Well I’m the type of person that has to understand things. I have to learn from it, hence the reasons I bought the books. Also the other thing is – I do feel that at some point in time he may attempt to contact me again and come back into my life. Well if that happens – I need to know truly who I am dealing with. For my own sanity.
To be honest, I feel like a battered woman. It seems odd to say – but it’s true. How can I put up with someone hurting me so much, yet still caring about him. In the end – there was physical violence that was happening. The night before his bachelor party, we got into it. He said that he had no control over who was invited to his party and that his mother told him not to invite me. Of course this is also what she was telling me too. Anyway, he was choking me while at the same time yelling at me “you know how much I fucking care about you!” He choked me so badly that my neck had finger mark bruises for several days and my throat hurt when I swallowed for over two weeks. At the time I told myself that he was caught between TL and his mother – both who despised me and were doing everything in their power to keep him away from me. That he was just so torn and stressed out over everything. Of course his mother blamed all the stress he was feeling on me – nevermind that fact that the only real problem I had with him was how much his mother was dictating to him when it came between him and I.
I have so many questions and so few answers. I want vindication. Based on his past history, I don’t think he will treat TL any better than he has treated anyone else. I know the truth. I know he was e-mailing all those craiglist girls. I know he was calling LB and having phone sex with her for over a year in a half after TL thought that he no longer talking to her. I know that he had phone sex at my place less than a month before his wedding. But hell, maybe e-mailing craiglist girls or having phone sex is no big deal. But then again – I keep trying to justify everything for him. I just can’t – I have to accept the truth.
It’s sort of ironic – I’m sitting here watching the Diane Sawyer interview with Rhianna as I write this. They keep playing her “Umbrella”song. I used to associate that with SAH. To me it was about friends being there for each other – through thick and thing. When things get rough – you can stand under my umbrella. I really thought that was the friendship that SAH and I had. I mean – it wasn’t always so one sided – or at least it didn’t always seem so one-sided. Oh well there is so much to our past. So much to his past.
Let me ask a question though – can a Sociopath be touched by a movie like “Christmas Shoes”. That is one of his favorite Christmas movies. He also likes Cinderella Story with Hillary Duff. He seems to have empathy – but can you have empathy without having a conscience? He seems to have a heart, but then why does it seem that he doesn’t really care about people unless he can get something out of them. Like I have said repeatedly – TL meant nothing to him until she told him that her cop brother would help him get a cop job. The reason he moved in with her at her parents was to escape the turmoil that was occurring in his own home.
Is he a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde – where you just don’t know which one you are talking to at any given moment. Someone that a one point can be the nicest person and truly care about you and the next doesn’t give two shits about you? Would this be a sociopath? Was Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde a sociopath?
I think about all the good things. The laughs we had. How he seemed so “sensitive”. So truly regretful for hurting LB. Truly regretful for doing a lot of things that he did that hurt people – but then again – was that all an act because he knew I didn’t approve and that he knew he still needed me if he got into gambling debt? Was it all for show?
I truly believed he was a better person than all this and that is one of the things that hurts so much. I don’t know if I can believe that inside of him – is this good person. That there is this person that is kept down by his controlling mother. Lately it seems as if he is just pure evil – destroying people’s lives and not really caring, as long as they gave him what he wanted. He did it with LB, he did it with me and now it seems clear from what I know, that he is doing it to TL. The ironic thing, as much as TL hates LB, is that she is just as oblivious to any of it.
I tried guiding SAH into a good direction, to treat people with respect. To try keeping his anger under control. To stop threatening to take people on in an Ultimate Fighting Match. So many of these things point to sociopathic tendencies.
I thought he was a better person, I guess I was wrong.
