It’s not like he’s going to change really. I went to go see Blind Side the other day with KP.  That was an awesome movie.  I know that SAH had seen it and loved it. I wonder if it reminded him of me.  You may be asking why.  Well you see, I’ve taken in people who were in a bad situation into my house.  Now I didn’t have the resources or anything to do what happened in the movie, I guess I did what very few people would do.  SAH knows about this.  See the first time was when I was managing my mother’s store after she died.   A person, I think he was 18, kept coming into the store.  The one day we talked and he hadn’t eaten in days, he had no money and no place to stay.  I told him to come back at closing time and i would figure something out.  Well at closing time he came and i decided I would let him spend the night, get a shower and then I could take him to the shelter for help the next day like he said he wanted.  In addition I also ended up getting him a change of clothes too – so we went to the store and got underwear,  jeans and a shirt.

There was another episode a couple of years ago that I did something similar.  SAH always said that he didn’t know if he has what it took to do this.  Anymore though – I wonder if SAH has it in him to care about anyone or to just do something out of pure kindness without expecting anything in return.

I know I’m a good person.  I know I’m smart.  So why do I let the assholes bother me?  Why do I wish SAH was back in my life? I really miss the good times. Did we really have good times though.

To be honest, I try to put things in perceptive.  SAH andI were very close friends, at least from my viewpoint – whether it was mutual or not.  But then I think about what people who actually marry someone like this must go through.  How hard is it for them?  I have other friends that I enjoy doing things with.  Like I said  I’ve gone to the movies this week  actually a number of times.  I saw Brothers, Blind Side and Avatar.  I went over to KQ’s house. She just got a puppy.  We went out to eat several times.  So how can I have people in my life and still feel alone?

Oh – and don’t think that he is in love with TL.  I know that in November he was calling the sex lines again.  The way I know I won’t say, but I saw it with my own eyes.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he is still looking for craiglist girls.

I wonder how long it will be before he breaks from the stress he will have. He will have $12,000 in student loans, he expects to be making about 30,000 – 60,000 as a medical assistant, but form what everyone has told me in the field it will only be about $11/hour (only $2 more than what he makes pumping gas). People in the medical field have told me that medical assistants are a dime a dozen and is not a very secure job.

Anyway, I hope his life completely falls apart.  I hope he gets what he deserves for all the shit he has done to me and to others.

One thing about depression is that it is very difficult to get motivated.  It takes so much effort to even do the simplest things.  For instance, you know you have to go to the store to get food, but you don’t want to take a shower, you don’t want to get dressed, all you want to do is lay in bed or the couch and go back to sleep. It takes so much effort to even do the simplest tasks.

The thing is, you need to fight it.  You need to get out of that bed.  You need to get that report done.  One thing I find very difficult it concentrating.  My work involves a lot of mental activity and concentration- and more often then not I have to be honest, i get side tracked when I am depressed.  The thing is though, when I do accomplish something -  I actually feel good and for that short amount of time, I am not depressed. but then it seems like i can’t keep that feeling sustained for very long.  I can’t keep the motivation.

Another thing is the fine line with being depressed and having friends.  When a person is suffering from depression they want to know they aren’t alone.  The problem is – you can be surrounded by people and you can still feel very alone. People that don’t suffer from clinical depression, more often then not, don’t understand.  They’re attitude is “just snap out of it”.  They don’t understand how much effort it takes.  That it’s not just a matter of being “down”.  They don’t want to hear about the problems day after day and often times, they will withdraw, which makes the depressed person feel worse and more alone.  The feeling of no one caring, no one to turn to sets in.

As I’ve said, being depressed sucks.

I got down there on Thanksgiving, and after we ate we played Monopoly which I had brought down. At around midnight her husband, me and her son watched Star Trek.  Of course I didn’t end up falling asleep until like 4:00am. I had plans on Friday with another friend, so I couldn’t stay till Saturday. I did stay a bit longer talking to her mother and husband about what a nutcase SAH’s mother is and the episode with the wedding.  I wanted to tell them what happened with SAH – but I think I have determined that, although I can talk about it to some people, I feel pretty embarrassed by what happened between him and I.  I mean really – how could I have let him treat me like this for so long? Anyway, I didn’t get out of there until about noon time 

When I got onto the highway I decided to call KQ who I was meeting up with later in the day to go to the store, have dinner with and then watch some movies.  I called and she said she was just texting me – actually as the phone was ringing I got her text.  I told her I have ESP – which sometimes it’s rather uncanny how many times this actually happens. Anyway – we decided we’ll meet up at 2:30 and then go up to the store and I was going to make homemade pizza.

Since we weren’t going to eat until around 8:00 we decided to get something to eat.  She was going to chip in for the stuff to make pizza, but when I said not to worry about, she offered to pay for the late lunch we were going to have.  I said that would be cool.  I have to learn to be okay with people offering to split things and pay for things. I’m so used to paying, and I always seem to expect to pay, that it is actually difficult for me to have people even split the cost with me. Believe it or not – I feel guilty. I feel that if I don’t pay, I am letting the person down or something.

We got back to my place, took the groceries in, I made the dough and while it was busy rising, we watched Charlie Wilson’s War which she hadn’t seen.  After the movie was over, I started the pizza.  On the pizza was done, we watched Star Trek: Wrath of Khan in HD.

It was a fun time. We do quite a bit together.  I just want friendship though.  I have too many problems in my past for anything else.  I’m always afraid that when I start to get close to someone of the opposite sex like this, that they may expect more.  I don’t want to give anymore than friendship though.  I just want people to hang out with and do things with. I want companionship.

Well on Saturday I got a surprising call from my cousin FY, SAH’s uncle.  He works at a grocery store and wanted to know if I wanted his free turkey.  He couldn’t use it and was offering it to me.  I said sure, I’d take it. So I went by about 9:00pm to meet up with him at the store. We ended up picking up a 21lb turkey and he wanted to upgrade it to a premium turkey for me.  I told him he didn’t have to but he said that he wanted to do that for all the stuff I’ve done for him.  Although he doesn’t say it – I think he feels that I’ve gotten treated pretty crappy from SAH, his mother and everyone else in that family.  FY kept saying how nice I am and how generous I am to people.

Well after basically going food shopping with FY and just basically hanging out with him – where he kept apologizing for holding me up, which I told him him I was in no hurry – I walked him out to his car.  His only day off is Monday’s, so I asked him if he wanted to come over and I would cook the turkey and we can both enjoy it. Right now he isn’t feeling very well, so the plan is that next Monday he is going to come over.

I’ll make the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, broccoli and gravy. I hope he does end up coming over. He has an on again, off again relationship with this controlling woman. You never know what will end up happening. At the last minute she decided she wasn’t going to SAH’s wedding, she has left him an hour from his home with no way to get back (I had to pick him up at the bus station and drive him to work where his car was).

Although things have been good during the day for the most part, my dreams haven’t been.  I know I’ve been having a lot of dreams about SAH.  I don’t always remember them though. I just awaken with this empty since of loss feeling. I’ll have more about that in another post maybe.

There are a lot of things I haven’t said about SAH’s past. Some of which I question if i should have really have trusted him as much I did, but hindsight is 20/20. For instance, when he was 17 and broke up with his gf – he confided  to me that she was accusing him of rape.

I think I will have to go over SAH’s past later.  My mind is sort of all over the place right now.  Trying to make sense of everything.  I was made to feel like the psycho by his mother and TL.  Which is rather ironic – because his mother tried to have a restraining  order put against me for SAH because she claims I called him at his bachelor party after she asked me not to.

So anyway – right now I don’t know what is worse – if SAH is a sociopath – then that means we can never ever be friends again. He will never chnage – there is no sense of remorse, he has no way of caring for people.  Of course – hell – he had a party at my place when I was in the hospital for attempted suicide.  That should have shown me right there how much I meant to him.  The other side is if he isn’t sociopath – then I was just truly a joke to him.  I don’t know what is worse – sociopath who is incapable of caring or a non-sociopath who really just truly used me.

So some people may be wondering why bother – who cares.  It’s over it’s done with – move on.  Well I’m the type of person that has to understand things.  I have to learn from it, hence the reasons I bought the books.  Also the other thing is – I do feel that at some point in time he may attempt to contact me again and come back into my life.  Well if that happens – I need to know truly who I am dealing with.  For my own sanity.

To be honest, I feel like a battered woman.  It seems odd to say – but it’s true.  How can I put up with someone hurting me so much, yet still caring about him.  In the end – there was physical violence that was happening.  The night before his bachelor party, we got into it.  He said that he had no control  over who was invited to his party and that his mother told him not to invite me.  Of course this is also what she was telling me too. Anyway, he was choking me while at the same time yelling at me “you know how much I fucking care about you!” He choked me so badly that my neck had finger mark bruises for several days and my throat hurt when I swallowed for over two weeks. At the time I told myself that he was caught between TL and his mother – both who despised me and were doing everything in their power to keep him away from me. That he was just so torn and stressed out over everything.  Of course his mother blamed all the stress he was feeling on me – nevermind that fact that the only real problem I had with him was how much his mother was dictating to him when it came between him and I.

I have so many questions and so few answers.  I want vindication.  Based on his past history, I don’t think he will treat TL any better than he has treated anyone else.  I know the truth. I know he was e-mailing all those craiglist girls. I know he was calling LB and having phone sex with her for over a year in a half after TL thought that he no longer talking to her. I know that he had phone sex at my place less than a month before his wedding.  But hell, maybe e-mailing craiglist girls or having phone sex is no big deal. But then again – I keep trying to justify everything for him. I just can’t – I have to accept the truth.

It’s sort of ironic – I’m sitting here watching the Diane Sawyer interview with Rhianna as I write this.  They keep playing her “Umbrella”song. I used to associate that with SAH.  To me it was about friends being there for each other – through thick and thing.  When things get rough – you can stand under my umbrella. I really thought that was the friendship that SAH and I had.  I mean – it wasn’t  always so one  sided – or at least it didn’t always seem so one-sided.  Oh well there is so much to our past.  So  much to his past.

Let me ask a question though – can a Sociopath be touched by a movie like “Christmas Shoes”.  That is one of his favorite Christmas movies.  He also likes Cinderella Story with Hillary Duff. He seems to have empathy – but can you have empathy without having a conscience? He seems to have a heart, but then why does it seem that he doesn’t really care about people unless he can get something out of them.  Like I have said repeatedly – TL meant nothing to him until she told him that her cop brother would help him get a cop job.  The reason he moved in with her at her parents was to escape the turmoil that was occurring in his own home.

Is he a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde – where you just don’t know which one you are talking to at any given moment.  Someone that a one point can be the nicest person and truly care about you and the next doesn’t give two shits about you?  Would this be a sociopath?  Was Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde a sociopath?

I think about all the good things.  The laughs we had.  How he seemed so “sensitive”. So truly regretful for hurting LB. Truly regretful for doing a lot of things that he did that hurt people – but then again – was that all an act because he knew I didn’t approve and that he knew he still needed me if he got into gambling debt?  Was it all for show?

I truly believed he was a better person than all this and that is one of the things that hurts so much. I don’t know if I can believe that inside of him – is this good person.   That there is this person that is kept down by his controlling mother. Lately it seems as if he is just pure evil – destroying people’s lives and not really caring, as long as they gave him what he wanted.  He did it with LB, he did it with me and now it seems clear from what I know, that he is doing it to TL.  The ironic thing, as much as TL hates LB, is that she is just as oblivious to any of it.

I tried guiding SAH into a good direction, to treat people with respect.  To try keeping his anger under control.  To stop threatening to take people  on in an Ultimate Fighting Match. So many of these things point to sociopathic tendencies.

I thought he was a better person, I guess I was wrong.

Here are the traits that make up a sociopath…

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

Pseudo-Scientific Psychopath Detector

A site had an online “diagnosis” with these various traits and reported back various diagnosis.  I don’t know how accurate it is of course.  I generally don’t trust these things on the internet, but here it is anyway as it applies to SAH.

Glibness/superficial charm: YES
Egocentric, exaggerated self-image: YES
Need for stimulation/bored easily: YES
Pathological lying: YES
Conning and manipulativeness: YES
Lack of remorse or guilt: SOMEWHAT
Shallow emotions: SOMEWHAT
Callousness and lack of empathy: SOMEWHAT
Parasitic lifestyle: YES
Poor behavioral controls: YES
Sexual promiscuity: YES
Childhood behavior problems: NO
Lack of realistic long-term goals: YES
Impulsivity: YES
Irresponsibility: YES
Failure to accept responsibility for actions: YES
Many short-term relationships: SOMEWHAT
Varied criminal behavior: SOMEWHAT
Posts ‘first’ messages: NO

Probable diagnosis = Psychopath

The Unburdened Mind

Now I chose “Yes” for both “Superficial Charm” and “Egocentric” based on descriptions of these two things on other sites.  I would have probably have put “Somewhat” otherwise.  If I chose “Somewhat” then the probable diagnosis is Moderate Psychopath.

The reason why I put “yes” for Egocentric was in several places it had described as “expecting things” and “feeling a right to things”.  This fits SAH to a T going by that definition.  He was always talking about what everyone else had and how he felt he deserved that stuff and how dare they drive that kind of car, etc.  He literally hated people who had more than him.

For Superficial Charm I answered “Yes”  because it’s described as being charming and very nice to people. Not that there is anything wrong with that in and of itself, but it’s when it isn’t genuine that is the problem.  He was very nice to LB for instance, very charming, but it was just because he wanted to have phone sex.  He was horny and being nice and charming was the means to that end. The reason why I was going to put “somewhat” is because it is impossible to know if he was never really genuine with his charm. SAH seems very charismatic, but then he claims that no one likes him. I disagree with that though – I haven’t met anyone who has come into contact with him who doesn’t like him. You meet him and he’s the nicest person in the world. But as several sites said – they put on a good image, but it is superficial.

I plan on getting two books to further study this more in depth…

The Sociopath Next Door
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us

One thing is the conscience piece. That seems to be key from the medical sites I have looked at.  A person doesn’t need all the traits described above – but one thing is clear – they really can’t have any regret for what they do. There were times where I felt that SAH really regretted what he did – but as the saying goes – “is the thief sorry for stealing, or just sorry for getting caught”.  For instance,  the one time SAH stole from me – he completely denied it, tried putting the blame on me for not believing him.  I told him I was done, I never wanted to see him again and I went home.  After he was done with work he stopped over and wanted to talk.  He ultimately broke down crying saying he did steal the DVDs.  The question is – did he really feel remorse, or was he just afraid of losing someone who he felt he needed in his life to continue bailing him out? I just don’t know. Like I said before, our friendship wasn’t always so one sided.

I need to find out for my own sanity though.  He may or may not try to come  back into  my life, but I NEED to be prepared.  I need to figure this out so I don’t fall victim again.

But – everyone feels that I was trying to break him and TL up and that I didn’t approve of the marriage. They feel that I am jealous of him – or actually anyone that has a girlfriend – which isn’t true at all (well maybe not always untrue, but in this case it was untrue). Anyway,  I was made to be the bad guy. I agree I didn’t help matters by making comments like  “I’ll be his groosman at his second wedding” or ‘we’ll see how long it lasts” which I know got back to people.  Sometimes I was just so pissed that I was always the bad guy and being treated like shit by everyone – when they were all in the dark.  I was the only one who knew what he was doing.

I have to admit – after  a huge fight – in which SAH  got TL involved and made me out to be the bad guy, where TL called LB a nigger and claimed that LB was  continuing to call SAH – I did end up sending her the June 12, 2009 e-mail.  She brushed it aside saying – “he’s 23 not 24″.  Of course I know he was 24  – but he lies about everything, he even says that he was married in one e-mail because the person he was trying to hook up with was married. When I brought up to him how could  he claim to be in love with TL and be trying to hook up with people – he claimed he was just fooling around with the e-mails and not serious. I don’t believe that because then he started to sneak them by only sending them from his cell phone.

October 23, 2008

Hi its me [SAH] I don’t what happened sorry the call get discounted and i tried calling you back and it said you werent available. I was really enjoying talking to you today. I really like you a lot you i really want to meet you i you so special to me i treasure every minute we talk to each other. I really do want to meet you one day write me back soon your friend and and lover lol i wish [sah] my number is [999-999-9999] i really want to talk to u soon [SAH]

February 10, 2009

hi Allison its me [SAH] how are you doing?  I enjoyed our conversation earlier today.  I have missed talking to you i really wanna meet one day soon i think it would awsome to meet you and hug and whathever else happens.  we definately have to meet one day write me back i miss you [SAH]

Hi [SAH]
Good to here from you. We have some connection here because I feel the same.I enjoyed our last you sound so laid back and handsome. I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Allison
Hi its me again we need to talk again soon and possibly see each other i miss hearing your voice i wanna meet you i mean we live so close to each other.  Thanks [SAH]

March 14, 2009

SAH: when can do this whenever. I would want to have sex and a blow job if its thats ok

craiglist girl: what are you will to pay

SAH: i will give u 100

April 29, 2009

Hi my name is [SAH] and am interested in getting to know u a little more. Well am 24 years old and married as well write me back if you are interested

June 12, 2009

Hey am 24 years old live in “someplace” I have a great job and I would love to go get some drinks with you are so hot and cute write me back if interested

The sad thing is – the June 12th email was less than 4 months till his wedding, not to mention he called the phone sex line less than a month before his wedding.

So I wonder – should I reveal all this? Now that SAH and I are no longer friends – should I finally tell people – “hey this is why I don’t think the marriage will last” or why I don’t think SAH is madly in love with TL even though they are now married?

I keep telling myself – what does it matter really.  But it goes back to what I said in a previous post – I want vindication.  Of course in that post I had said I would just let it run it’s course.  I know the truth and I believe soon enough others will know the truth.

And yes – that really is how he writes and yes – he is studying to be a Medical Assistant and yes, just like his marriage – I don’t think this job is right for him. But hell – TL and his mother tell him exactly what to do and he does it.

BTW – the emails aren’t the only thing – but it the only written evidence I have.  He was having phone sex with LB until April or May 2009 also.  He was continuing to tell her that “you never know what the future holds” or “If T: and I don’t last…” and also he used to ask her if she had dreams about him and then tell her that he did.

Damn – looking at this – why would I want a sociopathic asshole like this in my life.  Why?  because like I said – I felt we were friends – I miss the good times, but I have to remember the bad shit too.  I have to remember that he treats people like shit and that they are just a means to an end for him.  Once they have fulfiilled his needs, he drops them.

Okay – back to work.  I need to remember -” Success is the Best Revenge”. He isn’t going to be able to keep these lies from everyone forever and when that happens – his life will come crashing down.

My mother died at the age of 44 – very very suddenly from a catastrophic heart attack.  She was doing laundry one morning, getting ready to leave on a trip with my father that day.  She had deep chest pains, but then just thought it was gas or something, but then the pain got worse.  When my father went to take her to the hospital  she collapsed in the hallway. She was rushed to the hospital – where she was in a coma for 3 days. We later found out that she had died and been brought back several times in the ambulance – she had to be taken to a hospital an hour away for proper treatment.  On November 21st, after getting the brain scan results, we pulled the plug.  It was the hardest thing to ever do – but there were no brain waves and she couldn’t live without the machines.  The experience of seeing her like that I will never forget.

I miss being able to talk to her and her support.  Even today it is something very hard.  My mother never judged people and was nice to everyone.  She was truly a great person and was taken away way too soon.

I love you mom!

PM: You know what… Not for nothing, but I’m a little pissed off… WHAT THE FUCK HAVEN’T WE BEEN THOUGH IN THE LAST 5 YEARS?! And I’m not good enough to be invited to your wedding?! And the real kick in the throat was seeing that nigger K was there…. I just don’t get it. Who lent you the money all those times you were down? Who was right next to you those late nights in AC? Who had your back with that lunatic cousin of yours? Let me guess he was there too right? You know what forget about it… This isn’t something a simple I’m sorry is gonna fix… I thought I knew you better………

PM: and you don’t even have it in you to answer me…

SAH: What are u talking buddy not to answer you what was your question

SAH: answer what I must have missed what u asked sorry what did u ask

PM: I was telling you how I see everything. Apparently were not as good of friends as I thought we were.  I just feel kinda fucked in the whole deal..

SAH: PM I just wanna say to you am sorry you feel hurt. I understand that to answer your question no my crazy cousin was not at my weeding. I had no control over my guest list because my mom was paying her guest so am sorry i had a big fight with over it. Yes we have great times together over the last 5 years. We have both been there for each other in down and tough times. Am truly sorry for hurting you or you being upset in any way. I have just had a lot of crazy shit going on in my life the last few months. I would like to still be friends with and hang out talk with I would like to hang out with you soon so we talk and do something. I have off school all of next week let me know if you are available to hand out. Write me either way.

This is almost exactly what he has said to me so many times in the past…

First - avoid the question and pretend you don’t know what was asked and hope that you can divert attention away from it.

Second – say how sorry you are the person is hurt and you really want to hang out with them.  Tell them that you are free and you will get together (of course he ends up never having the time anyway)

Third – agree with them on every point

Fourth – tell them it was wasn’t me – it was my mother and I fought really hard for you.

What I also find interesting about this exchange is that SAH first messages after PM initially approached the subject of not being invited to the wedding and calling me the “luncatic cousin” – SAH twice said he didn’t know what PM asked him.  When PM once again repeated his question – which did not mention the “lunatic cousin”,  SAH responded by saying “and to answer your question no my crazy cousin was not at my weeding” So basically – if he didn’t know what PM had asked him previously and he was claiming ignorance – then how would he know about the “lunatic cousin” comment. But that is the way SAH is – and I have not sought revenge or anything like that at all. Although believe me – I have thought about it.

BTW – I think I’m going to share with you some of the craiglist girl e-mails SAH was sending out.

The Users
Now as I said before, I know for a fact that TL was only a fuck to SAH because he was over my place when he sent out the 20  – 3o MySpace messages – all saying the same thing  – “I saw your picture, you look cute.  Would like to get to know you better”.  He was just wanting to get laid and he told me this.   He was extremely excited when they first talked on the phone and she said she would let him do anything to her. The first time they met, they fucked in his car out behind the grocery store he worked at.  He told everyone about this encounter,  KP even mentioned it to me. TL was just a fuck until she told him that her brother was a cop and would help him get a cop job.  But let’s not rehash all this I suppose, I have gone over all this in previous discussions.

The bottom line is this though – SAH makes his decisions on what he can get from the person – with me it was support and helping him with his gambling debt.  Now that he isn’t gambling currently – he doesn’t need my support. Right now he claims and acts like he is happy and that is because his current needs are being fulfilled  – but he can’t be too serious about the relationship nor care too much for TL if only 3 months before his wedding he’s on craigslist looking to hook up with girls and less than a month before his marriage he calls up phone sex lines (I know this because he did it at my house on my phone).  People like this lose the true friends out of their life – because TRUE friends don’t like to be used, and end up discarding the users and keep the  more give and take relationships. Users and people who only make friends when it benefits them, ultimately are left with the fellow users.  Many of SAH’s “best friends” use him. SAH always used to complain about this one friend where SAH would end up paying for sports tickets, paying for the gas getting to the game, everything. He used to also complain that when this person would give him a sports tip that came in – SAH would share the winnings, but this friend would never chip in if the win did not come in. That is the type of friend users are left with – fellow users.  This person also had no respect for SAH – even having sex with one of  SAH’s former gfs while SAH was still dating her. But guess who was a groomsman at SAH’s wedding?

The True Friends
Now people who believe in true friendship – may get hurt on occasion, but it’s only because they truly value their friendships. They don’t view their friendships as a means to an end,  so when they discover that they took in a user-type, they feel betrayed.  But it isnt that they can just move on to someone else who will satisfy their goals, what they miss is the comradery, the things they used to do together, the talks, they miss the memories of the good times, while the user just basically moves on to find someone else who will fill their needs and doesn’t really care about the friendship aspects.

Is the User Type More Lonely?
So why do I think that the user type is more lonely? Really because there is no true friendship involved with their relationships and once the good guys catch onto their motives, they lose that support.  Now in SAH’s case – I believe he is still using TL – even though he is now married to her.  He is using her for sex, for housing (they are living at her parents house) and for money and entertainment (she right now bends over backward to please him and I know this is what he likes).  The thing is now – all his friends revolve around TL.  He doesn’t really have any of his own friends anymore – met them all through TL.  So if things go south – if he fucks this up with TL – a lot of people will be on his ass – because really who are they going to side with? Their long term friend or the new comer who used her?  I even asked him the one time – with her brother being a cop – what would happen if things went south with TL and him  (basically implying about TL finding out about the looking up other women and stuff), he didn’t say – well that isn’t going to happen or anything like that.  Instead he said that he would move out of state or get out of state plates for his car.  He doesn’t care about TL or any of his other relations, it’s all about what he can get out of.  It wasn’t about hurting TL or ruining a relationship – his answer was how he was going to save his ass. (Now remember, everyone, especially his mother, believes my goal has been to break up him and TL, yet I haven’t told anyone this stuff – at least no one who would be able to get it back to TL)

I try to tell LB that hold on – don’t worry, ultimately he will fuck up, just like he has with everyone else.  He has not changed at all – this is how all his relationships initially start out.

Developing True Friendships
In the meantime  I’m not too concerned about it – I am developing TRUE friendships.  Not the one sided relationship I was in with SAH, where I even had to buy my own b-day cake. I had a great time yesterday with a new friend of mine KQ – we went for chinese and then we came back to my place and watched Bolt and then the Golden Compass. This past weekend her and I went to a mutual friend’s house, had dinner and watched Camelot.  Unlike LB, I’m not going to sit at home and lamement the loss of SAH.  Do I miss him – yeah – I miss him.  I miss the good times we had, but I truly question how much of it was real now. I need to concentrate on myself and my happiness.  He seems not to miss me at all – so our friendship must not have been what was important to him – it was just all the stuff I used to do for him. As he always used to say “don’t you think I appreciate all that you had done for me” – but my response was always – “yeah, I think you appreciate what I DID for you, but do you appreciate ME? And sadly – I think the answer is no. I have a feeling he may come back over at some pint, but it will take for him needing my help.  I believe he thinks that the door is still open for him. Once he gets back into his comfort zone and feels things are “safe” – he will start to gamble again to get that high he needs, to get the excitement back.  He will start to take on the risks again that will jeopardize his relationship with TL and then he will start to blame her, just like he went around blaming me for everything. I don’t need the shit – I need true friends. People I can count on when I need to talk, and who know that I am there when they need to talk.  Not someone who when I call them for help, they tell me they can’t pick me up when my car breaks down because they need to take a shower, shave and they would probably get lost trying to find where I am.